If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, "Is this behavior because of my child’s autism, or is this just normal kid stuff?"—you’re not alone! All kids act out from time to time. You might be surprised to learn just how often kids express their feelings through actions like aggression, throwing things, or having tantrums.
For example, imagine a situation where a child throws a toy across the room. It might seem like a tantrum or defiance at first, but there’s often more behind it. For a child with autism, this could be their way of telling you they're overwhelmed by noise or frustrated because they can’t communicate what they need. But guess what? A neurotypical child could be doing the exact same thing—maybe they’re tired, hungry, or just testing boundaries. It’s tricky because the behaviors might look identical, even though the reasons behind them can be worlds apart.
When Actions Speak: Tantrums Are Common for All Kids
A recent survey of parents with “neurotypically” developing children (VanDevander et al., 2024) showed that it’s actually pretty common for kids to express themselves through behaviors like throwing things, acting aggressively, or having tantrums. This really backs up the idea that all kids—whether they have autism or not—sometimes act out as a way to communicate when words just aren’t enough. Kids don’t always have the tools to explain their feelings, so their actions often end up speaking for them.
As kids grow and develop better communication and emotional regulation skills, they become more capable of following our instructions—even when they really don’t want to! But let’s be honest, even then, there are still plenty of times when they act out in challenging ways.
The results of the parent survey show that challenging behaviors
decrease as development progresses. But notice how often kids
as old as 5-6 tantrum every day!
Defiance Happens: Kids Don't Always Listen
And when parents of neurotypical kids were asked how often their child followed directions, the results showed that even those kids have plenty of moments when they push back, act out, or flat-out refuse to cooperate. So, if your child isn’t always listening or is throwing tantrums more often than you'd like, you're not alone!
Once again, although children improve with age in terms
of patience, relinquishing items and adapting to change,
accepting no, and engaging in activities they dislike, they
still show challenges in these areas.
All Kids Need a Little Help Learning to Express Their Feelings
Now, knowing how often the “average” child has a meltdown or resists instructions doesn’t exactly help when your child is having more frequent tantrums, biting, or other challenging behaviors. And for kids with autism, while these behaviors aren’t always more frequent, they can sometimes be more intense. Or triggered by things that don't seem to trigger most kids.
What can help, though, is remembering that getting upset when things don’t go their way isn’t just something that happens with kids on the autism spectrum—it’s something all kids go through. It’s part of growing up. Recognizing this can be a little reassuring when you're in the thick of it, reminding you that it's a common parenting challenge, no matter the child's developmental profile.
In the end, all kids, no matter their developmental profile, sometimes need a little extra help expressing themselves. By paying attention to the message behind the meltdown, you’ll be able to provide the support they need in a way that makes sense for them.
If you're having difficulty dealing with tantrums or other challenging behaviors, consider consulting your Behavior Analyst. They can assist you in uncovering "the message behind the meltdown" and provide strategies to aid you in assisting your child and teaching them alternative communication methods.
Resources
You can read more about the parent survey in VanDevander, J., Warner, A., Kazemi, E., Fahmie, t. (2024). Developing a reference range of common behavior problems and replacement behaviors in neurotypical children. Behavioral Interventions, 39(1).
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